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Modern Newspeak Dictionary

With the amount of information good and bad flying around across the internet it can be nigh well on impossible to make sense of what’s going on in the world. In the name of helping to clarify things for everyone I have compiled the following.

Adjustment, quantitative, n.
Actual meaning: Socialism for the rich.
Usage: The government gave big business the entire nation’s GDP not to move to China, thereby stimulating economic growth and making everyone say, ‘wow, quantitative adjustment is amazing.’
See also: growth, economic.

Advisors, n.
Actual meaning: Handlers.
Usage: Presidents Reagan and Bush II were very intelligent and sharp-witted men in their own right, but they also benefitted from the guidance of advisors.

Bias, n.
Actual meaning: Impartial.
Usage: The ABC was very biased in its factual reporting of government corruption and the revolving door between it and big business.
See also: communist; fact.

Civilisation, Western, n.
Actual meaning: War of all against all.
Usage: An economy based on the morality of winner take all and survival of the fittest is the crowning glory of western civilization. Anyone who says otherwise is a dirty Red.
See also: communist.

Communist (1), n.
Actual meaning: Independent thinker.
Usage: If you think for yourself, the communists win.

Communist (2), n.
Actual meaning: State capitalists you want everyone to think are communists.
Usage: The Soviet Union with its police state, bloated bureaucracy and marked class hierarchies were a perfect example of communism in practice, if not a good reason never to try to do anything meaningful about injustice and institutional insanity at home.

Creation, Job, n.
Actual meaning: Exploitation of workers, women, subject peoples, the Earth, the flaura and fauna and in fact the perpetration of practically any old dodgy shit you can imagine that requires the labour of workers to be implemented.
Usage: Emperor Palpatine announced the construction of a new and even more powerful Death Star, signaling a major boon for job creation.
See also: creation, job; growth.

Democracy, n.
Actual meaning: Corporate plutocracy.
Usage: Well you have a choice of voting between the pro-big business party from the far right or the pro-big business party from the extreme far right, that’s the difference between dictatorship and a democracy.
See also: Freedom; job creation.

Domino, n.
Actual meaning: Independent.
Usage: Endor has rebelled against the Empire; it is the latest in a series of planets to fall prey to the domino effect put into motion by the cultish Jedi terrorists.
See also: Extremist; violence; hostile power.

Extremist, n.
Actual meaning: Not us.
Usage: The extremist articulating a self-serving, completely black and white, absolutist ideology that demonised his enemies, played the victim and blamed the victims of his own aggression was not doing so in a way favourable to or convenient for us.
See also: Terrorist.

Faith, n.
Actual meaning: Blind obedience.
Usage: How’s about you start batting for the home team for a change and demonstrating a little faith in the Prime Minister.
See also: extremist; domino.

Realism, n.
Actual meaning: Pure fantasy.
Usage: Well that’s very interesting what you say about free market economics not being sustainable and there being a dire need for change, but I on the other hand am a realist.
See also: extremist.

Freedom, n.
Actual meaning: Slavery.
Usage: You are free to choose your masters instead of having them imposed on you.
See also: job creation.

Growth, economic, n.
Actual meaning: Protecting and extending social and economic privilege at the expense of all other considerations.
Usage: We must reintroduce chattel slavery as a means of boosting economic growth.

Hate, n.
Actual meaning: Criticism.
Usage: When I pointed out to the Muslim he was a backwards savage who subscribed to a hateful and brutal religion fundamentally at odds with a civilised society like the one I represent with a judgmental attitude and smug self-righteousness, he reacted with a colossal amount of hate.
See also: extremist.

Jobs, n.
Actual meaning: Profits.
Usage: The main reason anyone ever goes into business is because of the jobs motive.
See also: creation, job.

Mongering, fear, n.
Actual meaning: Science.
Usage: The scientific community is engaging in a great deal of fear-mongering over the data surrounding climate change. I think some of them are even playing into the hands of the communists.
See also: extremist; communist; news.

News, n.
Actual meaning: Propaganda.
Usage: I was very angry about the rockets being fired by Palestinian terrorists towards Israel after I had finished watching the news.
See also: terrorism; refugees.

Power, hostile, n.
Actual meaning: Foreign power not able to be walked over.
Usage: The government of one particular foreign country had enough leverage over the United States to say ‘no’ to it about some things; it was therefore deemed to be a Hostile Power.

Practical, n.
Actual meaning: Opportunist.
Usage: When I agreed with the Tories that we should move all the Muslims into internment camps for the sake of national security I was merely being practical.

Principles, n.
Actual meaning: Something our enemies lack.
Usage: Our enemies lack principles and are evil, which is why they win of you think for yourself or start experimenting with facts.

Refugee, n.
Actual meaning: Scapegoat.
Usage: With the global economy and the global geopolitical situation both being up the spout and us not having any solution on how to deal with either that would involve making any changes or accommodations ourselves, we were very glad that the chaos it was producing was also generating a steady flow of refugees.

Relations, Public, n.
Actual meaning: Corporate propaganda.
Usage: We are not trying to put a positive spin on the lies we want to tell, we are employing a Public Relations expert.

Self-loathing, n.
Actual meaning: Self-criticism.
Usage: Those leftists sure display a lot of self-loathing about their class, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, ability, religion and nationality.

Terrorist, n.
Actual meaning: Not us.
Usage: The terrorist using arbitrary violence outside of all international law and UN oversight to achieve political ends wasn’t working for us.

Terrorism, Counter, n.
Actual meaning: State terrorism; us.
Usage: We used arbitrary violence outside of all international law and UN oversight in the name of counter-terrorism.

Violence, n.
Actual meaning: Criticism.
Usage: I don’t like it when people are critical of my contempt for the freedom and rights of others; I feel that it does violence to my liberties.
See also: Communist; self-loathing.

War, n.
Actual meaning: Turkey shoot.
Usage: The coalition of the willing shot 150 missiles from their fighter jets in the stratosphere as part of their campaign of war.

Work, n.
Actual meaning: Wage-slavery.
Usage: Entrepreneurs! Don’t tie up valuable capital in your slaves! Lease them instead! Sick and tired of the hassles associated with having to feed, clothe and house your slaves? With our new system of wage labour, you can still exploit them, and with the fraction of the value they create you pay them in wages they can do the job themselves!
See also: freedom.



One thought on “Modern Newspeak Dictionary

  1. Very creative and spot on! 🙂

    Posted by honeythatsok | October 18, 2014, 9:45 pm

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